I often talk about my niece and nephews on my blogs. Children have a profound effect on me. Their sweet, innocent, vulnerable, yet confident ability to express, and ask for their needs to be met teaches me more than I could ever learn in a classroom. I often talk to clients about how we are born with the ability to express ourselves and our needs, and indeed, my sister’s three children particularly, continue to remind me of that gift.
Last week my four-year-old niece asked my sister ‘had any children died in Paris’. Dumbfounded that my niece actually knew what had happened, my sister responded, “No darling, there were no children who died.” My niece, herself a big sister to her two-year-old brother, then asked if any “big sisters had died.”
The questions continued and my sister found herself in a position where her answers didn’t seem to appease the fears of the three innocent little faces staring up at her. The line of questioning finally led to “who will take care of us if they get you and Daddy?” They were searching for their own sense of certainty.
They questioned whether I would return from LA to be with them and it was only when my sister assured them that if something happened to her and their Daddy, they would indeed be with me, wherever I was, that the line of questioning abruptly ended. The conversation turned to talk of their new bunk beds.
When my sister related this conversation I was both overwhelmed with sadness that my niece and nephews no longer exclusively live in a world of love, of ‘Frozen’ and football; I thought their magical world where their biggest concerns were nap times and broken cookies would last a lot longer than this. I also thought about the children throughout the world who have never lived in a world of love, princesses, cookies, regular nap times and football.
I felt grateful that my sister was able to give my niece and nephews security by reminding them how much I love them and that I could and would, indeed, be their backup plan.
But most of all, I was struck by how direct and honest they were with my sister about taking care of their needs. Ultimately, they wanted to know that their basic needs were going to be met if the worst-case scenario happened. They needed answers and once they got them they were satisfied and moved on.
I started thinking about the things we need to know and the things we don’t. My niece didn’t ask where they would live or any other logistics. But what she was asking for was elemental, instinctive, fundamental and so very human.
So often when we get the answer we are seeking, we continue to look for more answers. Living in uncertainty fills almost all of us with fear. I like to think that my faith fills my heart with peace. I talk to my higher power a lot. I cry when I need to and try to fulfill my needs by juxtaposing leaning into the vulnerability that arises in everyday life with trusting in my higher power.
It has taken a lot of work for me to come this far and yet so frequently I fall short. I experience discomfort and then I start looking for some certainty of my own when what I really should be doing is checking in with myself that my basic needs are met and then, providing they are, asking myself what is it that I am afraid of that is making me seek further certainty than I actually need.
Abraham Maslow wrote about our basic needs in his well-known theory/table “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.”
The most fundamental and basic layer of the pyramid encompasses physical needs such as air, food, water, clothing and shelter. In ascending order, the levels then include security, love, friendship and esteem. Maslow states that if these basic needs are not met then the individual will feel anxious and tense.
The D- needs, also known as the deficiency or basic needs are food, air, water, clothing, sleep and shelter. We are not motivated to seek other needs until these needs are met.
Once we have these D- needs met, we move to our safety needs which include protection from elements, security, stability and freedom from fear.
The next rung on the pyramid is love and belonging. We crave friendship, intimacy, affection and most of all, love. For most people this is a tricky one and, over a lifetime, our needs can often rest here because we sometimes try to equate love and intimacy with achievements and success; these fall into the next layer but in reality, if our basic need of love is not satisfied, we don’t feel fulfilled. It is why, no matter how much money one has, without love, money alone does not fulfill a person long term.
The fifth layer is self-actualization which has three facets: realizing our personal potential, self-fulfillment and seeking personal growth through experiences. Maslow offers the following description of self-actualization:
'It refers to the person’s desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially.
The specific form that these needs will take will of course vary greatly from person to person. In one individual it may take the form of the desire to be an ideal mother, in another it may be expressed athletically, and in still another it may be expressed in painting pictures or in inventions' (Maslow, 1943, p. 382–383).
It is important to remember that throughout the course of one’s life, the journey up and down this pyramid can and will fluctuate. Life events like death, divorce or even disconnection from a spouse or loved one can require a person to revisit the third layer of love and belongingness before they can resume focus on financial prosperity. In the same way, the loss of a job or one’s savings can require further discernment of layer four. And there are ripple effects to many of life’s events which can cause one to revisit their very basic physiological needs!
In my recovery from my eating disorder, while I had access to food in order to meet my basic needs, my inability to nourish myself appropriately prevented me from being able to truly focus on meeting my specific relational needs.
Once we have our basic needs met, what do we do with that? In Part Two of this blog, I will address what Maslow later added as an additional need.