Gratitude. It's had a pretty big resurgence lately. Not surprising really. Social media's saturation of "perfect lives" and society's media prompted obsession with people who are famous for how they look and what they have, has created a society that now, more than ever, focuses on what we don't have rather than what we do have.
It isn't surprising that people are looking for something more meaningful to guide them; something that comes from within. The emergence of the focus on gratitude, I believe is a result of society wanting a way to look at life that is gentle and kind towards ourselves and doesn't push us to compare ourselves or see our lives as less than what they are. It guides us to look at who we are and turn inward for validation and acceptance.
I am grateful. I am living a life free from an illness that I never thought I would recover from. I like who I am and it has taken a lot of work to be able to say that! And there are still A LOT of fundamental things I want. I took life changing steps and made enormous sacrifices to recover who I am. And the freedom I now have to be me and not be who I think people want me to be is like breaking out of jail. Damn right I'm grateful.
And you better believe I still focus on what I want and need!
One of the themes that has come up through my work and even when I talk to friends is how to be grateful AND acknowledge difficulties in our lives and things we don't have but want. I have one friend who is one of the happiest and most positive people I know. She is happy in her relationship, has a wonderful family, great friends, financial security and the freedom to do almost whatever she wants. She is grateful for all that she has and is very aware that she has a privileged life. However, lately she has been talking a lot about struggles that she has been having for quite some time. She is ashamed of having these feelings and even more ashamed of talking about them because her life is so "perfect" and she should focus on all that is "good" in her life.
Shame. Brené Brown, the renowned scholar, author and public speaker defines shame as the fear of disconnection. "Is there something about me that if people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?" The problem with shame is that no one wants to talk about it and the less you talk about it, the more fear you have, the less you feel seen and the less connection you actually have. It is a vicious cycle.
Shame doesn't come from nowhere. Often the feelings, thoughts and/or actions we are ashamed of, we are actually taught by society to believe are "unacceptable." So how do we deal with something we are taught is unacceptable to think, feel, or act upon? We suppress it. We numb it. And it is pretty easy to do. More people in the US today are addicted or dependent on external substances than ever before, whether they be food, drugs, alcohol or something else. But it doesn't have to be through substance that we ignore it. Many people I am seeing now say, oh I won't focus on that I will focus on the good. I will be "grateful."
So shame gets to hide under the umbrella of gratitude and we don't get seen.
To truly be seen, we have to tell our truth. Yes, happy people who are grateful for what they have are much more pleasurable to be around than people who complain nonstop. But nonstop gratitude is pretty annoying because it isn't real. Talking about your struggles is not complaining, it is allowing for a deeper connection with another human being and for the space to explore parts of yourself that can cause the most amount of pain possible with the least amount of visibility to outsiders.
So be grateful but serve that gratitude with truth and the acknowledgment of struggles, fears, and insecurities. It allows for intimacy, which is essential to our health and happiness.