Strong women. May we know them, may we raise them, and may we be them!
Two weeks ago my best friend from Australia came to visit me. She was here for 3 days and I believe that we did not come up for air the whole time; such was the extent of our chats. I am pretty sure one night we actually fell asleep mid conversation.
She’s that friend who knows me inside out, lets me talk without judging me and knows how to pull me up when I need it. She is not a ‘yes’ friend nor is she interested in me pursuing anything other than a life that is authentic to me. She is always so happy for me through good times, and there for me during the bad times. She is a soul mate and has such an elegant way of letting me know when she thinks I may need to rethink a decision or a viewpoint.
This was the first time she had come to LA and she looked at me at one point and said “you’ve built an amazing life for yourself here Phoebes. I love your fiancé, I love your friends and I am so happy for you.” While we may say we shouldn’t need validation, I am the first to admit that when I get it from someone I love and respect as dearly as her, it means a lot to me.
This is a friendship that has spanned some 25 years and I know that it will last the rest of our lives. I trust her whole-heartedly and she has never once betrayed my confidence. And she got me thinking about the women in my life.
I am a self-confessed girl’s girl. I need my female friendships or I don’t feel like myself. I have wonderful friends and women back in Australia. My mother sent me to the school I went to for many reasons but one of the main reasons was because the women she knew at University who had attended my school, had such strong friendships. I think the importance placed on those friendships growing up has enabled me to find extraordinary women in LA.
Recently on a walk with one of my wonderful friends here, she talked about the competition that exists between women and particularly mothers. We weren’t referring to healthy competition but rather the kind that is based on jealousy and results in women who cut other women down. We’ve all had that friend and if we ask ourselves honestly, I am sure we are aware of some times when we have not acted in ways that were kind or respectful towards other women.
The more I move through different phases of my life, the more I hear about other women cutting each other down. I thought we were past that after high school but sometimes it seems as though high school is being relived all over again when people start families. “Can you believe how much she works? Those poor children of hers.” Or “I can’t believe she is a stay at home mother – she must be so bored.” Or my personal favorite – “She’s trying to have it all.” It is almost as if we can’t bear the thought that someone is doing something different than we are and that if we don’t point out the holes in their choices, they might be perceived as doing a better job than us.
And then there are the snide remarks. I have never, ever seen someone benefit from a snide remark. I know for me that when someone “subtly” lets me know they think I should do something different, or that they disapprove of my choices, especially about an issue that really isn’t their business, my knee jerk response is to shut down and pull away from that person. Some people fight back, but after asking several clients what their response to certain snide remarks is, I think the overwhelming majority of us stop trusting that person and put up barriers to protect ourselves.
I don’t believe that the gossiping and passive aggressive remarks come from a terrible place; I actually believe it stems from insecurity and self-doubt. In a world where 3 year olds are taking entrance exams for pre-school and a child’s homework not being done is a poor reflection of parenting, and social media where you can log on in an instant and see how Gisele is crushing life better than you, parents are constantly being judged! It is insanity and utter nonsense.
Something has to give somewhere with this. In the strive to be perfect we are seeing more young mothers develop eating disorders, alcohol addictions and severe anxiety and depression all in the pursuit to be seen as having it all together. I don’t meant to tip too much on social media but if you can tell me that you have logged on to it and never felt at least a moment of disappointment about yourself and what you have accomplished after you compare your life to someone else’s, then you are doing a lot better than I am.
So how do we start tackling these problems rather than getting on board and making ourselves sick trying to conform to being the perfect employee, the perfect woman or perfect wife or perfect mother?
I opine that we reject all this critiquing of other women and start by rallying around each other and each other’s choices. We get off our high horse by thinking we did it better or are doing it better. We don’t judge women or look for what is wrong with their choices, their bodies, their relationships, their jobs or their children. We look for all the good they are doing and we pat them on the back for how hard they are working and what a great job they are doing. We every once in a while ask, “are you okay?” and if we are privileged enough that they share their struggles with us, we absolutely keep their response to ourselves.
I also believe that a great way to reject judgment and critiquing of other women is by owning up when we feel jealous or envious of each other. Jealousy and envy thrive in secrecy and cause resentment, pettiness and gossiping. There is something so liberating about saying to someone “she seems to have it all together and I feel like I compare myself to her.” I can almost guarantee that if you are talking to a true friend, you will get the validation you need in that moment that you are doing a lot better than you think you are. And if you want to be brave and take it a step further, tell the person about whom you are comparing yourself to that you are doing that. I think it will help you realize how human we all are and how we all feel that at certain times.
It doesn’t matter what women are doing with their family and work life balance. What matters to me is that we live in a world where women are free to choose what works best for them and their families and that we support each other. After all, feminism is really about women being free to make choices.
My fiancé and I hope to have children one day and if and when we do, I hope that the women in my life back my choices even when they are different to their own.
So next time you think you are going to offer some “words of wisdom” to someone about how you think they should do things, or you go to say something about someone else and their choices, stop and think. Check in with yourself about where you are coming from. It is a place of care and love? If it is then ask yourself, what is the best way I can support this person in my life right now. And if you don’t know the answer, ask them! Finally, if you identify it is coming from a place of insecurity, jealousy, self-righteousness, or “just trying to help”, do a double take and try to remember who you are and who you want to be.